37 weeks and patient.

I am sitting here trying to let go, and enjoy the kicks. I want to enjoy this kicks that are just mine and hers. A special little conversation between mother and daughter. I want to feel her move and enjoy her presence. It is just an ordinary miracle, but the best miracle of all. It is these moments that our lives should be consumed by. It is these moments that are imprinted on our hearts and minds forever.

So to the mom inside of me who is worried that someone saw a booger in the boys' nose. To the mom who is worried that their nails were dirty when Grandma and Grandpa came to visit. To the mom that gets worried by other mom's who worry or are judgmental or competitive. To the mom who gets that nervous mom sweat when her kids act out. To the mom who is worried about dumb little things...

Remember these kicks. This is life. This is a miracle. This is what I should think about as I try to fall asleep tonight. Which I guess tonight I will be because this little one is giving me quite the heartburn.

It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't. ~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams

Heaven is Not Too Far Away

Needless to say as Tucker has been the first major loss in the boys' life we have been talking a lot about heaven. Heaven through a child's eyes although sad is magical.

Here are some of the questions and observations of the boys'

Adam: "If we drive really fast and turn left then turn right - could we go there?"
Nathan: "Tucker barks really loud, I think I can still hear him"
Adam: (after I said we could get another dog) "I want to go to heaven and get a heaven dog"
Nathan: "I need to go feed him. He is hungry"
Adam: "His family is there."
Nathan: "It is like a dog park."

Goodbye

Tucker was welcomed into our home before Steve and I had kids. He bathed our house in a blanket of dog hair and love. He was the best home security system money could buy. He barked loud, but licked harder. He was a member of the family, he was the spirit of the family. He always knew when I was upset. He loved to kiss my pregnant belly, he loved to sleep beside the boys. The boys could take food from his mouth, ride on his back, pull on his fur, and he always come back for more. When I cried he pouted. When the boys cried he whined. When the boys fought he got in between them.

He was only sick for about 24 hours. We did not even get concerned enough to take him to the vet. I arrived home from work. He greeted me with tail waggin' love. He laid down on the floor. The boys were upstairs with Dad, who was putting them to bed. Tucker curled up next to me as I rubbed his belly. He leaned up and kissed my nose, then took his last breath. It was the biggest shock. He was happy up until the end. He was not in pain. We should all be so lucky to go in the arms of the person that loves us the most.

I was stressed about the loud barking and the dog hair, but I would give almost anything to hear that bark again and to be coated in his hair. He showed us unconditional love. He taught me to control my temper. He will be missed and loved forever.