It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't. ~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams

Heaven is Not Too Far Away

Needless to say as Tucker has been the first major loss in the boys' life we have been talking a lot about heaven. Heaven through a child's eyes although sad is magical.

Here are some of the questions and observations of the boys'

Adam: "If we drive really fast and turn left then turn right - could we go there?"
Nathan: "Tucker barks really loud, I think I can still hear him"
Adam: (after I said we could get another dog) "I want to go to heaven and get a heaven dog"
Nathan: "I need to go feed him. He is hungry"
Adam: "His family is there."
Nathan: "It is like a dog park."

Goodbye

Tucker was welcomed into our home before Steve and I had kids. He bathed our house in a blanket of dog hair and love. He was the best home security system money could buy. He barked loud, but licked harder. He was a member of the family, he was the spirit of the family. He always knew when I was upset. He loved to kiss my pregnant belly, he loved to sleep beside the boys. The boys could take food from his mouth, ride on his back, pull on his fur, and he always come back for more. When I cried he pouted. When the boys cried he whined. When the boys fought he got in between them.

He was only sick for about 24 hours. We did not even get concerned enough to take him to the vet. I arrived home from work. He greeted me with tail waggin' love. He laid down on the floor. The boys were upstairs with Dad, who was putting them to bed. Tucker curled up next to me as I rubbed his belly. He leaned up and kissed my nose, then took his last breath. It was the biggest shock. He was happy up until the end. He was not in pain. We should all be so lucky to go in the arms of the person that loves us the most.

I was stressed about the loud barking and the dog hair, but I would give almost anything to hear that bark again and to be coated in his hair. He showed us unconditional love. He taught me to control my temper. He will be missed and loved forever.

Binders and Kicks

I remember when I was pregnant with the boys, before I knew it was twins. This means that I was not even 20 weeks yet. I had this planner with what we needed to buy, the cheapest pave to buy it, and what date we needed it by. Then at 20 weeks we found out that it was twins. Everything changed. The binder went into the garbage and we started to just enjoy the ride.

Now I am thirty weeks pregnant with number 3, there is no binder in site. There is no bedding in the nursery, there is no paint on the walls. We have about 4 onsies and 1 pair of pink pants, of which I have bought one. There maybe a name, but we are not for sure.

The kicker is, I am enjoying the ride so much this time. I love to feel her kick. I love to dream about what she will say, what will make her smile, and whose eyes she will have.

The other night as the boys and I enjoyed a night of sleeping in the same bed I had the best moment. The boys were on either side kicking my side as they tried to fall asleep. The kicks must have excited their sister, because she began to kick to. For the first time I was kicked by all three kids at once. I know that sounds abusive, but they were nice kicks, and it was a heavenly moment.

Fights

So I have been feeling a little under the weather lately. I have allergies or a cold, I can't really decide. That being said I am not the most patient person lately. Due my attitude it seems like all Nathan and Adam do is fight. I thought that the infamous fight over whose imaginary ball it was, was going to go down in the books as the dumbest thing to fight over ever. This was when the boys were about two and they were playing catch with an imaginary ball while we were coming home from daycare. This is the perfect toy if you have not used it yet.

Why the imaginary ball is the perfect toy for the car
1. It is free
2. It can never be dropped and roll to a place where you are not able to reach it
3. It can be whatever color you want it to be.
4. It never gets dirty
5. It never gets lost
6. It does not hurt when it hits you in the head while driving.


But all that being said, the boys found a way to fight about whose ball it was. I tried to give them another but it was not the same. So I had to take the ball away. who knew one could take away an imaginary ball. I even thought about making some imaginary scissors to cut a hole in it.

Anyway so back to the fight worse than that. We had company and I was trying to keep my early birds quiet while our company slept in. Well they did not do good. They were finally getting along and actually sharing the trains, while the fight over who should say thank you begun. This went on for a couple minutes and ended in tears and both boys screaming "You're welcome!"

Speaking of Love

I think one of the hardest lessons I have learned is how to give love as is it needed and take love as it is given. Everyone says I love you a different way and everyone hears love as different as those who tell it. Some people send cards, some people send emails, some people call.

The strangest way that I hear I love you from Steve is when he calls me "Katie". We are in the midst of parenthood. I am more often than not "Mom", "Hon", or "Babe". Which is what I am. But when he leaves me a note, or calls me on the phone sometimes he calls me "Katie". And there I am with butterflies and giggles like we just met. He still gets to me, even when he is not trying.

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)